CONTINUED FROM PART ONE
FACT #3: Shaming, bullying (cyber or otherwise), and public humiliation has become a significant global issue.
TIP #3: Understanding our other-dependent society and addressing other-dependent esteem is a solution to overcome this major global issue.
My discovery of other-dependent esteem contradicts the traditional idea of self-esteem. It even contradicts what our Fairy Tales have taught us.
Other-dependent esteem has been mistaken for self-esteem. We have been taught that we are as good as the approval we receive from others. We have learned that our value is measured by what we do, what we have, looking good, being right, and making sure things turn out the way we think they should.
We’ve been taught to worry about what others think and say about us. Being dependent upon what others think or say about us in order to esteem ourselves is a recipe for unhappiness… which often manifests in the form of self-victimization, depression, anger, violence, and more.
FACT #4: Lack of self-esteem is at an all-time high. Addiction to drugs and alcohol is epidemic. We live in a society that has been taught to be other-dependent in order to feel good.
When we need others to esteem us by liking us, our happiness and self-worth depends upon
1. the approval of others
2. what others think about us
3. looking good
4. being right
5. even being the best
As a result of not feeling good about ourselves from the inside out just because we exist we worry about what others think and say about us. We depend upon others for any kind of esteem we have for ourselves otherwise we go without… thus it is other-dependent.
TIP #4: People who like themselves from the inside out don’t need anyone or anything to make them feel good about who they are. They are self-dependent and have self-dependent esteem. They practice the positive thinking-feeling-doing loop.
Here’s how the loop works: You think a self-esteeming word about yourself, which leads to feeling esteem for who you are. When you feel esteem for who you are your behavior will reflect the esteem you have for yourself.
Example: the more you esteem who you are the easier it is for you to see yourself with softer and kinder eyes; you begin to see past what others think and say about you. Your reaction to this will be holding your head high with self-pride no matter what your mistakes. This reaction promotes another self-esteem word that engenders feelings of kindness, compassion, and empathy toward you. Repeat this loop over and over throughout your day. Make it part of your daily routine.
FACT #5: Mistakes are NOT shameful, humiliating, or embarrassing. They are just someone’s opinion.
TIP #5: Value you by changing the way you think about the opinions of others. Opinions are just opinions, whether yours or someone else’s. They just are what they are. They are neither shaming, humiliating, or embarrassing. It is the way you think about them that gives them the power to be shameful, humiliating, or embarrassing. Shift the way you think about them.
So what that some opinions of you come from people in high places… they too are just people who make mistakes of their own.
Besides, the way others respond to your mistakes tells you more about them than it does about you. It tells you they are not comfortable with their own mistakes and are jumping at the opportunity to focus on yours rather than their own.
Remember this: we judge and criticize others to the extent we judge and criticize ourselves.
In light of this new information, how much sense does it make for you to feel shame, humiliation, and embarrassment on the basis of someone else’s opinion of you?
Sadly, some people would rather die than to feel shame, humiliation, and embarrassment. We know all too much that this is true. Monica Lewinsky referred to this in her Ted Talk March 2015 presentation when she said “Too many parents haven’t had the chance to step in and rescue their loved ones” while referring to 18-year-old Tyler Clementi who jumped from the George Washington Bridge to his death in September 2010 after the ridicule and cyberbullying by classmates was made public.
This is just one significant example why it is so important to learn how to be Good With Me. There won’t always be someone around to rescue us and there’s no way to control what others do and say. We can’t keep on blaming others for what they do to us. Doing so is allowing them to victimize us. We have to take responsibility for our own lives by changing the way we see ourselves.
Instead of taking responsibility for our own lives by changing the way we see ourselves, we have waged a war against bullying of all kinds and in all situations by trying to change the bully and the bullied. I liken this war against bullying to the ‘war on drugs.’ The ‘war on drugs’ is an approach that is set up to fail from the beginning because it is focused on wiping out the drug cartels.
The one and only thing that will end the production, sales, and crime related to illegal drugs is that individuals don’t need drugs to make them feel good or at least a little bit better. What happens to any business when it has no customers?
ll find another product/business that will make money and the drug supply will go away. This means that we have to feel good from the inside out by feeling good about who we are without being dependent upon someone or something outside of us to make us feel good or at least a little bit better.
Likewise, the war against bullying is focused on wiping out the bullies.
This means the one and only thing that will end the shame, humiliation, and embarrassment felt by individuals who are scorned, criticized, and made wrong due to their choices (or mistakes), is when they no longer worry about what others think about them. And it won’t matter whether their choices (or mistakes) are belittled privately or publicly, because they are no longer worried about what others think about them.
What do you think would happen to “humiliation as a blood sport” as defined by Monica Lewinsky if no one worried about what others think, say, or post about them or needed others to like them in order to feel good? When individuals are Good With Me people, they do not personalize anyone’s criticism and scorn. They don’t make it about them. They realize it reveals what is going on within the person who criticizes and scorns them.
“Good With Me people hold their heads high while knowing that What You Think of Me Is None Of My Business” —Terry Cole-Whittaker, 1979.
What do you think would happen to the bullies of the world when we no longer pay any attention to what they do or say? They’ll have to do something else to get the attention and approval they need…even from those who look up to them for being the meanest of the mean, won’t they?
SUPER TIP: A mistake is simply an opportunity to learn. It is not a failure or a loss. Ted Turner, the founder of Cable News Network (CNN), is an excellent example of never worrying about what others are thinking about our mistakes.
”You are learning how to move forward in life. You are learning how win.”
Remember in the end to create a different story from the get go, whether you’re 18, 22, 102 or any age in between you are ultimately responsible for you and the way you feel. You cannot blame anyone else for what they do or don’t do even though it’s insensitive, uncaring, cold, callus, and tactless and even though you may not like it.
Your life story is all about YOUR thinking… NOT THEIRS!
For a complete step-by-step guide to changing the way you think about yourself and how to become a Good With Me person go to www.goodwithme.com or order your copy of Good With Me: A Simple Approach to Real Happiness from the Inside Out at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, or your favorite independent bookstore.
Or you can contact me, Patricia Noll, at patricia@goodwithme.com
