I have learned, as a televised self-esteem expert and author of Good With Me, that there is no shortage of individuals who are committed to making a difference for all humankind.
They are individuals courageously committed to action. Monica Lewinsky is one of those individuals as displayed in her March 2015 Ted Talk “The Price of Shame.” Shame, Humiliation and Embarrassment, whether private or public, are the root of way too much unnecessary loss of life, either due to suicide, acts of violence upon others, or just plain dropping out of society.
Why does this happen and… What can be done to resolve it? The answer to the “Why does this happen?” is the lack of knowledge, living life on auto-pilot, and having other-dependent esteem (which equates to the lack of self-dependent esteem). The answer to the “What can be done to resolve it?” is gaining knowledge, living life consciously, and owning self-dependent esteem!
So simple! And yet, simple doesn’t always mean easy… especially not at first.
Resolution comes when we learn how to eradicate the shame, humiliation, and embarrassment to the extent that it doesn’t matter what is done to spread them. What would happen if no one paid any attention to the cyberbullies, those who sow seeds of shame, public humiliation, gossip websites, paparazzi, reality programming, politics, news outlets, and the hackers that traffic shame that Monica made reference to in her recent speech.
FACT #1: We can’t change them!
This means that we aren’t going to stop the current culture that leads to shame, humiliation, and embarrassment by trying to change those who broadcast and disseminate the mistakes of others.
We are only going to stop the current culture of shame, humiliation, and embarrassment, by changing the way we think about what is said, or publicly broadcasted, about us.
Only a handful of us have been taught that no one can make us feel anything that we don’t choose to feel. And yes, I know that sounds like a bunch of psychobabble from a crazy lady that doesn’t get it. BUT, I DO GET IT! AND I KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT!
I also know it is NOT an easy task when we don’t know how this concept works.
So pay close attention as I share with you what I’ve learned as the Founder of an Outpatient Substance Abuse Program licensed by the State of Florida since 1989. I have had the privilege of working with thousands of people from all walks of life for over 26 years. And because this is my own life story, I am not teaching anything that I haven’t already learned for myself.
TIP #1: The only way we can be humiliated by someone outside of ourselves is when we allow them to humiliate us.
The only way we can possibly be embarrassed by someone else is when we allow them to embarrass us. The only way we can possibly be bullied with words by anyone is when we allow them to bully us. Do you remember a time when the common jingle that we blurted out as children when being called names or harangued with ugly words went like this?
“Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Today we have self-victimizing versions of this jingle that say,
“Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts.” – Robert Fulghum
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.” – Eric Idle
How does this shift in thinking occur?
It happens because we buy into what others are saying about us, whether privately to a few close friends, to a large public group, or to the world via social media and the press. It happens when we think ourselves into owning their cruel and hurtful words about us.
And we feel shame when we believe that we are bad, not that we did something bad…not that we made a mistake whether big or small. Shame has nothing to do with anyone outside of us shaming us.
I know that most of us have been conditioned to believe that others can make us happy, sad, mad, depressed, shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, or even have a headache. I say NOT so. It’s this conditioning and lack of knowledge that keeps us inside our box of self-victimization. Yes! We actually victimize ourselves with our own thoughts about what someone else is thinking, saying, posting, or broadcasting about us.
What you think and NOT what they are saying about you is what matters here. Here’s how it works:
Someone says, posts, or publicly broadcasts something negative about you. You then have a thought about what they said, posted, or publicly broadcasted about you.
The way you think about what was said, posted, or publicly broadcasted, instead of thinking about the actual facts of the situation themselves, creates the way you feel about what was said, posted, or publicly broadcasted, and the way you feel about what was said, posted, or publicly broadcasted determines the way you react to it.
I am reminded of what William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2, said: There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
YES… thinking makes it so! And it’s YOUR thinking that does it… NOT someone else’s thinking!
While it may be true that we have little or no control over what someone thinks, says, or broadcasts about us, we do have control over the thoughts we think about what they say about us.
Since none of us can make someone else change, the only way to stop the current culture of shame, public humiliation, and embarrassment is to be a Good With Me person.
Being a Good With Me person means that we feel so good about who we are that what someone else thinks, says, or posts about us doesn’t matter. This is not to say that we would rather this wouldn’t happen. But if it does happen, we don’t personalize someone else’s criticisms, spoken or written either privately or publicly, about us…their words fall upon deaf ears.
We have to know that these bullies, cyber or otherwise, are only projecting what they think and feel about themselves.
FACT #2: People who don’t like who they are don’t like anyone else.
In other words, people criticize, shame, humiliate, and embarrass others to the extent that they criticize, shame, humiliate, and embarrass themselves (internally, of course).
While I agree with Brené Brown that “shame cannot survive empathy,” it is my experience that people who don’t like themselves are unable to have empathy and compassion for others until they are able to have it for themselves.
Yes, empathy and compassion are the desired goal. And yet, people who aren’t okay with who they are can only pretend to feel them.
TIP #2: Since we can’t change others, we must learn to have compassion and empathy for ourselves from inside of ourselves. Everything begins from the inside out.
This happens with the acceptance of It Is What It Is.
This is the exact opposite of trying to change what is not ours to change. Acceptance puts an end to our resistance to the conditions in life as they are right now.
This doesn’t mean we have to like everything that is showing up right now. It doesn’t even mean we condone it. It only means that we accept it so that we can do something about changing it if we choose to do so. When we don’t accept It Is What It Is, we can’t move forward in life, we can’t change anything, and we become stuck.
Most of us don’t realize that what we resist persists and gets bigger and bigger until it becomes our dominant thought. Remember, thinking makes it so!