Oh How I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now!

The Holidays are fast approaching and that means stress for a lot of people. There are as many stress factors connected to the holidays as there are days in the year…maybe more.

My plan is to take a look at what creates all the stress. And that would be impossible to do in this one blog post. So I will cover one or more major stressors and a tip or two to overcome it once a week until the Holidays are over — till January 1, 2015.

And please, please, please let me know if there is something in particular that stresses you and I will be more than happy to include it going forward. And be assured that I will do it anonymously unless you wish otherwise.

So let’s begin with something most of us have stressed over at least once…and more likely hundreds, even thousands, of times. That would be GIFT-GIVING.

I know for me the holidays used to be a stressful time because I worried about what to give as gifts…that is when I had enough money to buy gifts. Of course, the times when I didn’t have much money created another stressor. For me worrying about having enough money was always an issue, no matter what my financial status was at the time (that’s the result of growing up poor).

In addition to stressing over the money issue that never seemed to go away, I worried about what other people would think about the gifts I bought for them — was it the right color, the right size, was it their style, and would they like it?

I would angst over it for days, even weeks. I would make a list of who I was going to buy gifts for. Even that was worrisome because I didn’t want to leave anyone out. I changed it several times before acting upon it. I shopped and shopped before I finally made what I thought was an educated decision. And even after all of my preliminary homework, I still wasn’t sure it was the right one. I second guessed myself and at times even lost sleep over it. It almost always boiled down to being all about how much money I spent. Did I spend enough? And heaven forbid I might even look ridiculous if I spent too much!

And my Holiday card list was just about as stressful. I worried about it in the same way I worried about my gift-giving list. Did I include everyone who mattered to me on my list, would anyone be offended by the type of card I sent, was the card appropriate for their religious beliefs, and on and on and on.

By the time the big day was here and it was time to open gifts – I was stressed to the max. What are they going to think of them? And more importantly, what are they going to think of me? I nervously awaited their approval. I watched for their visual expression and immediately knew if they liked it or not. I was good at that. There was no hiding approval or disapproval from me. And when I didn’t receive the approval I so desperately needed, I was disappointed and very upset…but I was good at pretending. I always showed my happy face so no one would know what I was feeling inside.

Of course, I wasn’t upset with the recipient of my gift. I was upset with myself for making the wrong choice. Why didn’t I know better? Why wasn’t I as good of a gift picker-outer as so and so was…you know the individual who always picks out the perfect gift? What’s wrong with me? Sadly, everything always ended with what’s wrong with me?

Always wondering what was wrong with me was so stressful!

Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now!

Now I know that I had other-dependent esteem and that I was totally other-dependent upon the approval of others to feel good about myself. Because I had no self-dependent esteem, the kind that comes from the inside out just because I am happy with me, I depended upon others for any kind of esteem I had about myself. I needed their approval, I needed to look good, I needed to be right, I needed to control everything, and it wore me out! It stressed me out to the max!

Nothing was any fun for real. I just became very good at faking having fun.

I don’t know if or how this resonates for you, so let’s look at our other-dependent society and what most of us have been taught by it. We’ve been taught that our worth, feeling good, fun, and happiness is dependent upon someone or something outside of ourselves. We have been taught that we are as good as our stuff, what we know, who we know, what we do and how we look to others. And nothing could be farther from the truth.

What’s real is that each of us has worth just the way we are and each of us is responsible for making ourselves happy. It’s an inside job! The truth is that the only way to be happy for real comes from the inside out with the thoughts we have about ourselves, about others, and about life.

The only way we can have long-lasting happiness is to be happy with who we are just because we exist and most of us haven’t been taught how to do that.

So we have to retrain our brains to think differently about ourselves. If we don’t do that, the brain will just continue to think in default mode…it will just keep on repeating the negative things we have trained it to think about the way we are. It is real good at beating up on us just like it always has.

How often have you and I said, “Oh, I’ve always been this way.” or “I’ve always done it this way.” Well yes, maybe that’s right. But does it work? Does it help you have fun or enjoy life? Does it make you like yourself any better? Does it make you happy?

I want you to really think about that right now – just for you – not for me – and not for anyone else. This is just for you. It’s important that you change your thinking so that you can relax and enjoy this holiday season.

If you didn’t buy the right gift, you just didn’t buy the right gift. It has nothing to do with your value as a person. I want you to be able to say “oh well.” I want you to simply accept that it is what it is. And I know that might not be easy at first.

If you think about it realistically, what happened? You just didn’t buy the gift that someone else thought they wanted. How would you know what that exact right gift would be? It’s pretty impossible to get inside the heads of everyone on your gift list and know exactly what they want. And even if you did know, they could change their minds by the time they receive your gift. Or worse yet, maybe someone else already gave it to them. Have you ever had that happen?What an impossible task you have given yourself to have to be right all the time and know everything about everything and everyone. Think about that for yourself as you go into this holiday season. And be sure to practice saying “oh well” and “it is what it is.”