If you think you are controlling anyone or anything outside of yourself, you are experiencing an illusion.
Even when every once in a while things seem to go the way you want them to go or someone does exactly what you want them to do, you are not in control of them. You simply have the illusion of being in control.
In actuality, here is what happens. Let’s say you really wanted a friend to do something your way. You may have persuaded or coerced him to get your way. When he did it your way, you thought you were in control.
Well, not so. What actually happened was that he made the choice to do it your way. His choice to do it your way gives you the illusion of being in control! He could just as easily have chosen not to do it your way and deal with the unpleasant consequences. But instead, he chose to do it your way perhaps because that is what he wanted to do in the first place, perhaps to avoid any unpleasant consequences, or perhaps for any other reason that works for him. You might think you are in control as a result, but in reality, he made a choice that best suited him. So who is in control of whom?
An individual with self-dependent esteem isn’t afraid to choose what he wants to do with or without your unpleasant consequences. In other words, he doesn’t give in to your “persuasion.” You don’t always have to be in agreement with him. Therefore, he doesn’t have a need to rebel at your attempt to control him. In contrast, the person who is other-dependent rebels at your attempt to control and will often choose to do just the opposite of what you want them to do, even though they might be hurt by their decision. Whenever they rebel, they are not only saying “you can’t tell me what I can or cannot do,” they are also saying, “I’ll show you, I’ll hurt me.”
What do you do when others don’t choose to do what you want them to do? What attempts have you made to control the uncontrollable? Make a list.
