Teenagers aren’t the only ones who need to fit in and belong. For many, this need can extend well beyond the teenage years.
You have already discovered that it can continue into adulthood and even into the senior years. In fact, the need for acceptance from others can influence choices that affect an entire lifetime.
The rules for fitting in and belonging as adults may seem less obvious because they appear to be normal, everyday activities for some. It could mean having the ability to outdrink your drinking buddies, or knowing how to order the right vintage wine with dinner. For many, the less obvious way to fit in and belong means having good friends, residing in a nice neighborhood, graduating from a prestigious college or university, having a successful career, membership in a popular country club, going on planned vacations, traveling abroad, having a good amount of wealth, fluently speaking a second language, or something as simple as being liked on Facebook.
Exploration and Discovery: See if you can identify some of the less obvious ways you tried to fit in and belong. Make a list.
The downside of fitting in and belonging is that it doesn’t make you feel as good as you thought it would. Why?
Because you still never feel quite good enough to really fit in with the group. Even when you accomplish something that should surely impress them, you might end up thinking it wasn’t good enough. Introspectively, you think you should have done better.
You think you should have purchased a little bigger house or have one-upped everyone with an even better exotic vacation. You think you shouldn’t have done it quite that way or said it just like that. For those who are other-dependent, feeling good about a particular accomplishment is so short-lived that it’s almost nonexistent. Plus, it is exhausting to continually find ways to impress the group to “fit in.” In the end fitting in and belonging doesn’t make anyone happy.
