Let’s be clear on this very important point. It is other-dependent esteem and not self-dependent esteem that varies between high and low.
We experience high other-dependent esteem when others approve of who we are or what we do. On the other hand, we experience low other-dependent esteem when no one likes us or what we do. This means that any respect and admiration we have for ourselves is other-dependent as well.
The fact is that anything external to us is not a reliable or accurate judge of our self-worth! The way others think of you is based on how good you look and whether you are the right kind of person — in their eyes! Others may like you because of what and how much you do for them. They may like you because you put their wants and needs above your own, by being a ‘people pleaser’ and taking good care of everyone around you even if it hurts you. In all of these examples, your esteem belongs to “them” or “it” — someone or something outside of yourself. Since it doesn’t really belong to you, it is other-dependent and can be taken away at any time, and often is.
Other-dependent-esteem can also come from your own eyes! It can occur when you accomplish what you think you are supposed to accomplish, when you think you look good because you are well-groomed, when you have the perfect relationship partner, when you are popular and in great demand by your friends, when you know you are being seen with all of the right people in all of the right places, or when you have acquired a big enough bank balance. It can come from the way you think about yourself because of your enviable lifestyle or for winning the “gold medal.” It is still other-dependent esteem because it is how you think about yourself based on the external criteria.
It’s time to get off of the rollercoaster of other-dependent esteem.
