Let’s be clear on this very important point. It is other-dependent esteem and not self-dependent esteem that varies between high and low.
We experience high other-dependent esteem when others approve of who we are or what we do. On the other hand, we experience low other-dependent esteem when no one likes us or what we do. This means that any respect and admiration we have for ourselves is other-dependent as well.
The fact is that anything external to us is not a reliable or accurate judge of our self-worth! The way others think of you is based on how good you look and whether you are the right kind of person — in their eyes! Others may like you because of what and how much you do for them. They may like you because you put their wants and needs above your own, by being a ‘people pleaser’ and taking good care of everyone around you even if it hurts you. In all of these examples, your esteem belongs to “them” or “it” — someone or something outside of yourself. Since it doesn’t really belong to you, it is other-dependent and can be taken away at any time, and often is.
You can garner other-dependent esteem for yourself from your own thoughts about how great you look on the tennis court, how talented you are, how educated you are with all of the right degrees from all of the right schools, how much you do for others, or because you think your life turned out the way you thought it was supposed to turn out. This kind of other-dependent esteem, even though it is a product of your own thinking and not based upon direct approval from others, is based upon external criteria. You think you look good because of the external criteria and as a result don’t even question whether others approve of you. You think you look good and it is almost a given that others will too.
What type of esteem do you think you have? Is it self-dependent or other-dependent? Does any esteem you have for yourself depend upon the approval of others? How much of knowing you look good is based upon external criteria?
