When we say “self-esteem,” more often than not we mean “other – dependent esteem”.
Even professionals are confusing other-dependent esteem with self-esteem. Other-dependent esteem is not self-esteem nor is it self-dependent esteem. With that in mind, let’s continue to clear up any confusion about the two esteems.
While self-dependent esteem comes from within you, other-dependent-esteem comes from outside of you. Other-dependent-esteem originates from the positive thoughts you have about yourself for a particular reason, such as because of the positive thoughts others have about you. For example, your boss tells you about the great job you are doing. You feel good, right? What if the boss passed by and didn’t say anything, how would you feel then? Would you wonder if something was wrong? If so, you might have other-dependent esteem.
Other-dependent-esteem is derived from other people’s good opinions of you. It includes the compliments and praise you receive from others, your achievement of certain goals and successes, as well as how they are perceived by others. Others may have a good opinion of you because you are popular, well-liked by everyone, and connected with all of the right people in all of the right places. Others may approve of you because you have plenty of money, a chic or enviable lifestyle, or are the winner of a “gold medal.” You can gain approval from others because of a toned and muscular body, the clothes you wear, your perfect height and weight, looking handsome or beautiful, your clever wit, your intelligence, or just because you are doing a good job, and the list goes on.
We not only interpret the way others respond to us, we interpret the messages we see and hear on television and all other types of advertising media to imply that something is wrong with us if we don’t use their products, wear their garments, drink their beer, drive their cars, act in a certain way, or just plain follow their rules. When we have other-dependent esteem, we are extremely vulnerable to the opinions of others. We allow them to affect the choices we make. We allow them to affect our self-worth. We allow them to affect the way we value ourselves.
