The following example illustrates the difference between a symptom of the real problem and the real problem itself — the individual is other-dependent and doesn’t feel good about him or herself.
The example has to do with an overweight individual. Let’s say this person feels bad about herself because she can no longer fit into her favorite jeans, the ones that make her look “hot.” She knows she will have to lose about twenty pounds to get back into those jeans. So she works hard and manages to shed that extra twenty pounds that make her feel fat. With the loss of the twenty pounds, she can get back into her favorite jeans and loves the way she looks in them. She feels good. But the good feeling doesn’t last long.
She begins once again to worry about the way she looks. Maybe those jeans really do make her look fat and not “hot” the way she thought they did. She wonders how her friends think she looks in her jeans and worries even more. The sad ending to this story is that she still feels fat and ugly even when the jeans fit. She still sees herself as a fat person and never gets to experience the real joy of being at her ideal weight. Once those extra twenty pounds were lost, you would think she should feel good about herself, especially since she looks so ‘hot’ in those jeans, right? Well if she looks so ‘hot’ in those jeans, then why does she feel fat and ugly instead of thin and sexy? Why does she feel so self-conscious and worry about how she looks to others?
Even though the extra pounds are gone and she truly thought she would feel great once she could fit into those jeans again, why does she still feel fat? And, why does she suddenly begin to notice that her nose looks weird and that her hair is a mess? Why does she suddenly shift her focus to all of the other things she thinks are wrong with her? Why does she feel uncomfortable in her own skin? Why does she begin to indulge in a little extra eating here and there again? And, why does she gain back the twenty pounds, and more? If those extra pounds were the real reason for feeling bad, then why didn’t she continue to feel good after losing them?
She didn’t feel good for very long after she lost the extra twenty pounds because the twenty pounds were not the real problem — they were only a symptom of the real problem.
If the extra weight was the real problem she would continue to feel good after she lost it. Because she addressed the symptom of the problem and not the real problem, nothing changed for very long. She began eating a little extra here and there again because food is the only thing that seems to make her feel better, so she THINKS. All she really wants is to feel good — to be happy.
The real problem in this example is that she doesn’t feel good about herself and is other-dependent. She isn’t happy with herself and depends upon approval from her friends to feel good. Neither gaining nor losing the extra weight will change that.
