The Four Attachments are by no means the only unhealthy manifestations for those who are dependent upon someone or something outside of themselves for their esteem. The list is long. And right up at the top of the list is comparing themselves to others!
Comparing is so common today that we have a brand new word, “comparanoia,” that illustrates the magnitude of the unhealthy, obsessive comparison of ourselves to others.
The problem with comparing ourselves to others is that it’s a no-win situation. Individuals who are other-esteem dependent almost never compare themselves to someone they see as less than themselves, unless they need to do so as a way to elevate themselves in their own eyes or in the eyes of others. They almost always compare themselves to someone they seem to think is better, and sadly, they always find themselves lacking next to that person. In their opinion they don’t and never will measure up.
When we are other-esteem dependent, we gauge how we’re doing by comparing ourselves to others. Whether we’re worrying about others’ opinions of us, trying to look good, trying to be right, trying to control outcomes, or simply trying to ‘color inside the lines’ as children, (or figuratively as adults), comparison soon becomes our constant companion. We are taught to compare ourselves to others early in life when we’re instructed to ‘color inside the lines’ like everyone else. We quickly learn to compare ourselves to others to determine whether or not we’re as good as they are. While we may begin our comparison to others by the way we ‘color inside the lines’, eventually we are comparing our success, wealth, personal appearance, and other important and unimportant characteristics.
Exploration and Discovery: What about yourself? Do you compare to others? Do you compare your education or how well-dressed you are? Do you compare your family to theirs? Do you compare their fame and popularity to yours? Do you compare your nose to hers? Do you compare your thinning hair to his thick hair? Do you compare yourself to the “beautiful people” or the “important people” who appear on the covers of magazines? Make a list for yourself.
And nowadays, without knowing it, you could even be comparing yourself to someone who has been “photo-shopped!” How impossible is it to compete with that?
It might not make much sense, but some of the most successful people in the world have no self-esteem and are totally other-esteem dependent. Why? Because good enough is never quite good enough. Even the next achievement is never good enough — and the one after that isn’t enough either — nor is the next success good enough. When we keep raising the bar, how would we ever know when enough is enough? The same thing happens with earning money. When we are young, we may think, “I will be a success when I earn $100,000” or whatever that number might be. If we hit that mark, then the success gauge may change to $200,000, depending on how we see ourselves at the time. There is no way to measure up, no matter how great the accomplishment, because this individual keeps raising his own personal standards higher and higher after each accomplishment.
What’s wrong with that? Why isn’t it okay to keep raising the bar? Isn’t that a good thing? It would be if it were just for the rewards that often follow or just for the fun of it. But when it’s done to prove your worth — when it’s done because you worry about what others think of you, the rewards are seldom celebrated and hardly much fun. It’s more of a struggle than fun.
Why is it never good enough? For most of us, the way we compare ourselves works like this. The homeless person compares herself to the person who lives in a dilapidated trailer while the person living in the dilapidated trailer begins to compare herself to the person who lives in a fixer-upper. The person who lives in the fixer-upper compares herself to the person who lives in a low income neighborhood home. The person who lives in the low income neighborhood home compares herself to the person who lives in a home on the golf course or the beach. This person then compares herself to the person living in a million dollar mansion while the individual who lives in a million dollar mansion compares herself to someone who lives in a castle and the person living in the castle is comparing herself to the person who has a bigger castle, and that person compares herself to the person who owns two castles, and on it goes. I’m sure you get the idea that comparing ourselves to others has little or nothing to do with material possessions. We never see ourselves as quite good enough, because good enough is just never good enough!
We have learned from an early age that we are only as good as our stuff. This stuff includes not only what we own, but who we know, what we do, what we have achieved, our physical appearance, and the list goes on. We are taught to compare ourselves with those who have more money than we have, who have a better career than we have, who have a better education than we have, who are more important than we are, who are prettier than we are, and then, because of no self-esteem, condemn ourselves to not being good enough by believing there is something wrong with us. Evidence of this phenomenon is confirmed by a report by CNN on June 5, 2011. It was reported that the more young girls watch TV and celebrities, the more they hate their bodies.
Exploration and Discovery: To whom do you compare yourself?
Most of us learned in school how important it was to be the best — not just do your best — but be the best. TV and radio ads are a constant reminder of how wrong we are. They teach us to compare ourselves with whatever it is that we are supposed to be. They tell us: don’t wear that; do use this; you’re better if you do such and such; it’s this that counts, and so on. They tell us there is something wrong with us because of the way we are, even when we are doing everything right and are ‘coloring inside the lines’. The dirty secret in advertising is that they want us to want to be ‘just like them’. The persona of “them” of course is created to sell the product or experience.
To gain true self-esteem, the kind that is manufactured and produced from within you, it is important that you know there is nothing wrong with you just the way you are right now. Even though much of society has a tendency to stereotype by making comparisons, it is important to stop denigrating yourself during the process of comparing yourself to others. You may be different from someone else, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you! It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them either. Different is not wrong. Different is not bad. Different is just different.
Different can be a good thing! You may look different, know different information, have a different job, or live in a different neighborhood — and different does not make you wrong or less than. You may have been born into a different race, have a different sexual orientation, or different religious beliefs — and different is not bad. Different is just different. Different is good. It would serve no useful purpose if everyone one on the planet was exactly the same. That would be boring! As human beings, we may never totally stop comparing ourselves to others, but we can stop denigrating or degrading ourselves when we do so. Then, and only then, can we stop making ourselves feel bad about ourselves because we are different.
Exploration and Discovery: As previously stated in Chapter — whenever something or someone is different, we tend to make it wrong. So are you making yourself “wrong” because you think you are different from everyone to whom you compare yourself?
Some of us compare ourselves with those who are at the bottom of the economic ladder, those who live in poverty, for the sole purpose of elevating our own stature. We belittle the jobless and homeless without knowing their circumstance. We denigrate the uneducated without knowing their degree of intelligence. We do this to make ourselves look better!
Exploration and Discovery: How do you think about those who have less than you? What do you do when someone doesn’t think the way you do? How do you feel when someone does something that you think is bizarre? Do you have a few special names for them? Do you let them know, in no uncertain terms, that they don’t know what they’re doing? Do you tell them and/or others that they are wrong? Do you argue with them to get them to see things your way? What is your purpose for engaging in any of this? This Exploration and Discovery can be a tough one for some — especially when you have no true self-esteem. It generally takes self-esteem to be able to admit some of our own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
If you are someone who makes comparisons and belittles others as a result, then it is time to take a look at yourself. Why isn’t it okay for them to be who they are, to believe the way they believe, or to see things the way they do? Remember, we all have different life experiences. Everyone doesn’t see life through the same lens.
You might not want to hear this about yourself, but the truth is . . . if you disparage others just because they are different from you, if you think it isn’t okay for them to be who they are and to think the way they think, it’s not because there is something wrong with them. It’s because you aren’t okay with who you are. You project your inadequacies on to everyone you disagree with in order to elevate yourself. The reality is that you judge them to the degree that you judge yourself. You also criticize others to the extent that you criticize yourself. Once again, it is all about the way you think about yourself. For individuals with no self-esteem, different is “wrong,” no matter how wrong-heading this kind of thinking is!
People who feel good about themselves allow others to be who they are even though they don’t see eye to eye.
Exploration and Discovery: Practice letting yourself be different instead of making yourself wrong. Then practice letting people who are different from you be different instead of making them wrong. Practice telling yourself that what others think is just different from the way you think, that they aren’t wrong for thinking the way they think.
When we have no self-esteem and are other-dependent for any minuscule amount of self-esteem we have for ourselves, we find ourselves constantly comparing ourselves to others. We want to make sure that our shortcomings or weaknesses, as we see them, won’t be noticed by others. We live in constant fear that someone will get a glimpse of our inadequacies and point them out to us, or worse yet, point them out to others. In other words, we are afraid that they’ll see what’s wrong with us – we are afraid they’ll find out what we already know about ourselves. If that happens, we aren’t going to look very good. Nothing about us will appear to be right. They certainly will not have a good opinion of us, which is likely to have a negative effect on our relationship. Quite simply, they won’t like us if we are exposed for who we really are!
The healthy individual who has self-esteem enjoys being liked, may even want to be liked and likes being liked, but they don’t need it. They realize that not everyone is going to like them and not everyone is going to approve of them. They don’t have the need to fit in and belong. They are good with themselves because they like and approve of themselves. As a result, they are able to maintain their own identity because they like who they are.
Remember this: People with self-esteem allow themselves to be who they are even though they are different from others. They aren’t slaves to “comparanoia.” They don’t have to conform nor do they don’t have to prove anything to anyone in order to feel good about themselves.
It is easy to be with people who have self-esteem because they are real, they are genuine. What you see is what you get. You don’t have to read between the lines with them. They aren’t going to be the ever-changing “chameleon” in order to make sure you like them.
You don’t have to always be in agreement with them. They don’t become a “control freak” just to get you to change your mind. In fact, they aren’t interested in changing anything about you, and they aren’t going to change anything about themselves either. It isn’t important to them to fit in and belong for the sake of fitting in and belonging, because they aren’t the “needy ones.”
Exploration and Discovery: What are some of the ways you change yourself, including your values and ideals, when comparing yourself to others just for the sake of being liked and accepted?
Isn’t it interesting that the worse you feel about yourself, the more you need to be liked and accepted by others? Isn’t it interesting that the worse you feel about yourself, the more of a chameleon you become?
Exploration and Discovery: How much of yourself do you deny or try to hide from others due to your need to be liked and accepted by others? How much do you change yourself just to be liked and accepted by “them?”
People who are trapped by other-esteem dependency become worry-warts about being liked and accepted by others.