People with other-dependent esteem feel good about themselves only when they have approval from others or at minimum think they look good to others.
This need to be liked by others greatly influences the choices they make, because their choices are easily controlled by someone or something outside of themselves. In fact, they become controlled by their need for approval in much the same way an alcoholic becomes controlled by alcohol. Poor choices are often the result.
In particular, people with other-dependent esteem become slaves to what I call The Four Attachments:
● worry about the opinions of others
● the need to look good
● the need to be right
● the need to control outcomes
All four of these attachments are intertwined and each is dependent upon the other, each one is equally important.
Because individuals with other-dependent esteem need constant approval from others, they continually worry about what others think about them. This constant worry causes an enormous amount of stress.
This applies not only in the physical sense in terms of body, wardrobe, hair, skin, weight, and height, but also in terms of being socially acceptable, socially appropriate, worthy, successful, and accomplished. This intense need to look good to others fosters the need to always be right about everything, which leads to the need to be in control of the way things turn out. All of these needs, or attachments, are fueled by other-dependent esteem. Individuals who rely upon other-dependent esteem as their source of self-esteem are completely at the mercy of others for validation. They are equally dependent upon their next success for praise and kudos from others. This constant neediness for approval and validation perpetuates nonstop worry.
Do you identify with any of The Four Attachments at this time? If so, which ones and in what way? Make a list.
