Can’t is a word to be mindful of when you’re doing a negative chatter evaluation of yourself. Why?
The word can’t is disempowering because it almost always translates to the word won’t. Can’t is another cop-out word which is often used as an excuse to avoid saying no. In the previous example of the friend asking you to help him move, you might respond with “I can’t because I am playing golf,” instead of the more truthful response, “I won’t be there because I have plans to play golf that morning.”
In this situation, can’t is an avoidance word that indicates helplessness. It seems to say there’s nothing you can do to change your golf plans, whereas won’t signifies that you are not helpless and are making a choice. The reality of this situation is that you can help your friend if you choose to help him. But you are choosing not to help him and to play golf as planned. The word can’t reduces the risk of your friend’s disapproval. In this example, as in the example of the word try, being direct and honest with your friend would be a sign of self-dependent esteem.
Use deliberate intentional practice to avoid using the word can’t in your speaking. Notice what you feel when you do so and write about it.
There are two more avoidance words that when used in certain contexts can keep you stuck inside of your box. They are wish and hope. For example, “Wishing you would win the lottery so that you won’t be stressed out about money all of the time.” Or “Hoping things change for the better pretty soon.” These two words when spoken in this context change nothing. You are quite likely to keep on wishing and hoping without taking any real action to address the situation. These are avoidance words because they give us an excuse to avoid taking action to make the changes we are wishing and hoping for.
Pay attention to your wishing and hoping thoughts. Can you see how they are keeping you stuck not only inside of your box, but in your life? Notice how often you utilize these two words. Take action to make your life the way you want it to be.
