In athletics, the players can look at statistics, scores, and games won to help them gauge how they’re doing. They have coaches and trainers standing by to give them feedback and direction in their quest to become skillful in their chosen sport.
Unlike athletes, your measures of success aren’t going to be available to you in numbers and percentages. While there’s no scoreboard tracking your success, there are visible indicators that tell you that your repetitive deliberate intentional practice is moving you in the right direction.
Awareness of the internal conversation you are having with yourself — also known as your internal chatter or self-talk—and the role it plays in what you do and how you feel is significant. Most people have a little voice chattering away in their heads all day long. It’s detrimental to growing self-dependent esteem when no one is paying any attention to its negative criticisms. That’s when the negative thoughts have full rein over us—when no one is charting the negative chatter. You are moving in the right direction when you can begin to hear your negative chatter and recognize that you’re the initiator of it.
A noticeable sign that you are gaining some self-dependent esteem is that the ongoing negative chatter will no longer exist in the forefront of your mind. The negative chatter may not totally disappear at first, but you will notice that it’s moving further and further to the back of your thoughts.
The Four Attachments discussed in my book – (1) the need for approval from others, (2) the need to look good, (3) the need to be right, and (4) the need to control outcomes—will fade away along with the negative voice in your head. You will notice that what other people are thinking about you doesn’t matter so much. You’ll no longer allow others to victimize you with the way they think about you, nor will you continue to victimize yourself with your own thoughts.
Another noticeable measure of success is when your internal conversations begin to change. Instead of saying Why are those people laughing at me? They must be laughing at me because I look weird, the little voice that used to put you down has changed to Look at those people laughing. They must be having fun. In other words, you start to realize that not everything is about you.
With that realization, your level of self-consciousness will lessen. You’ll stop personalizing everything. Your exaggerated sense of self-importance will begin to disappear. You’ll become more aware of the existence of other people, and you will be more aware of your surroundings.
Chart your success by paying attention to how good/happy you feel. Notice how much better you feel about yourself with no strings attached.
