Let’s get clear about what constitutes an act of bullying. It isn’t always hitting, slapping, kicking, throwing things, or knocking someone out. Some bullies kill and murder while others are sneaking around gossiping about others behind their back.
The verbally abusive bully yells and screams, name calls, spews profanity towards other, and threatens with words.
The emotionally abusive bully plays mind games, lectures, manipulates to get what they want, controls, torments with the love/hate cycle, and yes, even cries.
The physically abusive bully is physically violent…hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, pushing, choking, burning, and the list goes on.
The sexually abusive bully engages in forced sexual acts which can include inappropriate fondling and rape. It can be performed with a baby, toddler, adolescent, teenager, adult, or senior citizen. It can be performed on one’s own child, sibling, parent, spouse, relationship partner, or total stranger.
Whatever the type of bullying, one thing is for sure…all forms of bullying hurt. And even though there might not be much sympathy for the bully, all bullies hurt, too.
While most of our focus is on the victim’s pain and little on the bully’s pain (and rightly so), we must address the fact that bullies hurt too if we are ever going to eradicate acts of violence. We can’t stick our heads in the sand when it comes to the bully’s pain if we want to do something to stamp out bullying.
Bullies hurt because they don’t like themselves no matter how much they might pretend that they do. No matter how much they profess to like themselves. No matter how much applause and admiration they receive from their fans, how many elections they win, or how high they are on the corporate ladder, and no matter how much alcohol they drink, dope they smoke, or drugs they use, they are not happy with themselves from the inside out. They are afraid of letting anyone know this for fear of not being liked, of not being accepted into their group of choice, or of not being a success.
Bullies who don’t like themselves have a great need to fit in and belong somewhere whether it be in the corporate board room or in a terrorist group.
Bullies are other-dependent. They depend upon being liked and respected by someone whether it be their fans, voting constituents, employees, gang members, prison inmates, or even terrorist organizations.
Punishment doesn’t stop bullying, domestic violence, or even terrorism. So how do we end bullying? How do we end the violence, domestic or otherwise? We do so by ending the cycle of other-dependency. We end the cycle of the need for approval from others, the need to look good, the need to be right, and the need to control the way things are.
So what has to change? The bully has to learn how to feel good about him or herself. The bully has to have an inner knowing that he or she has intrinsic value…no matter what they do, have, or know.
