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June 20, 2016

Good With Me – Why Does The “Newness” of Being Happy Wear Off?

The following example illustrates the difference between a symptom of the real problem and the real problem itself. You will see the same end result — the individual is other-dependent and doesn’t feel good about himself.

Let’s say a man felt self-conscious whenever he attended a social event without a date or companion. He worried about what others were thinking about him because he went to an event alone. He imagined that everyone was looking at him and thinking, “Look at that poor guy. It’s too bad he had to come alone. I wonder what is wrong with him.”

self esteem and addictionHe had this overwhelming need to flee. His discomfort became so great that he made a vow to himself that he would not attend another social event without a companion. He got lucky! He found a date for the next social event. She even loved socializing. What a plus. It worked. Wow! It was like magic! She made him feel confident and secure when she was with him. He felt so good — and so happy! Something he had never truly experienced before. He even liked attending social events just to “show her off.” And then, before he knew it, his new-found confidence began to wane.

This awesome person wasn’t making him feel secure anymore. He didn’t feel as happy as he did in the beginning. Once again, he felt self-conscious socializing. What changed? The newness of this special person had begun to “wear off.” She wasn’t quite as special as he initially thought she was. In fact, he was actually beginning to wonder what people were thinking about his choice to be with her. What just happened?

Once again, feeling self-conscious because he was alone was not the real problem — it was only a symptom of the real problem. The new special person was only a temporary fix for the symptom of the real problem. She didn’t address the real problem at all. So, what is the real problem? He is other-dependent, he worries about what others think about him, and he doesn’t feel good about himself whether alone or not. There isn’t a single special someone on the planet outside of himself who can fix that for him. Does this sound like you or someone you know?

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Patricia Noll


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